Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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