I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
