i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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