He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
