On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
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