Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
