It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
