do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
my poor anus
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
