He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
