I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
