I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
