whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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