had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
