a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
