Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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