Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
It's just like the Real World with babies
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
