When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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