I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
