I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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