plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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