Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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