I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
one might say we're banned from that church
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
