The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
