Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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