I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I have aggressive nipples.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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