Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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