i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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