im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
