WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
...so i touched it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
