Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
