Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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