so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
