omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
