If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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