I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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