Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
