dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
