One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
