update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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