I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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