Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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