Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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