So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
