tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
