Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
