pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
