My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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