If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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