i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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