When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
