is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
