I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
from now on my penis is your penis
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
