So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
