I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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