The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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