I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
