i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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